Voldemort Destroyed by Girl Scout Cookies
by Gringotts713
Summary: Snape takes down Voldemort in a most unusual way!
1. Chapter 1

This is a parody, it is pretty much set during Ootp but it is meant to be funny not everyone will be in character actually many will not be themselves at all. I do not own Harry Potter or anything in the Potter verse I just had to take the characters out to play when the won't let me be! Also there will be references to Girl Scouts, I am not affiliated with the organization any more I was a cookie pusher for six years but have dropped the habit! This is the first time I have written a fanfare please review! Do yo like it hate why! Please let me know! I am unsure of how scouting is in England and Scotland so I have transplanted American Scout culture for my convenience, hey this is all in my head I control this sick twisted version of the story, blame the plot bunnies not me!

**Voldemort Destroyed by Girl Scout Cookies**

_Chapter One Cookies and PMS_

In Scotland there was a little thatch cottage that looked like something from a storybook. It was on an emerald green hillside. The cottage itself was bright white and stood out in comparison to the countryside in which it was located. A beautiful well maintained garden was kept to the left of the entrance, one could imagine a retired couple with loads of time on their hands to be living here. Sadly that is not the case, no inside was a Lord, not in the royal or appointed sense, this was the Dark Lord himself. This cottage was home to Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Lucius Malfoy had offered the use of his grand manor with its overabundance of room, but the Dark Lord preferred the comfort of his small cottage. What was the point of taking over the entire wizarding world if it could not be done in comfort. Surrounding the cottage was a white picket fence, with well maintained rose bushes on either side of the entrance.

In this quaint cottage, on a rather dull Tuesday morning our story starts. It was a gray and cold day, the kind of day the inspires normal people to crawl back under the covers and hit the snooze button a few times, but for the inhabitants of the cottage it was a time to plan and scheme their evil doings for another week. Gathered in the sitting room in various pink puffy chairs, or the high backed sofa sat Lord Voldemorts inner circle. Narcissa walked in carrying a tray of nibbles, but Narcissa was no chef, and no one had thought to invite the house elves, there where already fifteen of them living full time in a cottage built for two. Draco looked from his father to the Dark Lord but did not touch the tray. He could not identify three of the four no maybe there where five foods being offered. The tension in the room was growing, the feeling was uneasy and heavy. Everyone was holding their breath and hoping that this offering would not draw the ire of their oft times unpredictable master. The moment passed and all was still silent, a few in the room began to breath again. The silence was broken suddenly by Voldemort exclaiming "I want a cookie". His followers all looked at each other, Wormtail was the first to speak, "Master I your faithful servant will go to the market and fetch you whatever cookie you want" Voldemorts' eyes grew red, well redder and he in a low evil hiss spoke to Wormtail " you want to leave! You think that I am unable to go get cookies myself. Or do you not want to be with me in the house" with the end of the proclamation he promptly sat down grabbed the closest pillow and began to sob, it was clear even the darkest of dark lords could still succumb to PMS. Horror struck, the faithful gathered round and whispered that it was okay, Wormtail was an idiot and he deserved better than him, Bella was rubbing his back and saying that he was and always would be the darkest and most evil wizard. Perhaps because they became so enraptured in this molly coddling they never noticed the gate open and a Brownie Scout pulling a red wagon full of cookies skipping up the walk.


	2. Chapter 2

This is a parody, it is pretty much set during Ootp but it is meant to be funny. Not everyone will be in character actually many will not be themselves at all. I do not own Harry Potter or anything in the Potterverse I just had to take the characters out to play when the won't let me be! Also there will be references to Girl Scouts, I am not affiliated with the organization any more. I was a cookie pusher for six years but have dropped the habit! This is the first time I have written a fanfic please review! Do you like it? Hate it? why! Please let me know! I am unsure of how scouting works in England and Scotland so I have transplanted American Scout culture for my convenience. This

_Chapter Two The Most Unusual Scout_

Yes in full uniformed glory with the brightest of red wagons came a six foot two, greasy black haired scout. Rather flat chested but Brownies are in first grade right? Right? Only if any of them bothered to look closer they would have noticed something all too familiar about this scout. In fact this was no girl at all. This was the sour, greasy git Severus Snape. Maybe because he was skipping, smiling, and wearing knee socks no one noticed or recognized him. Perhaps they became to distracted by the brightly colored boxes of cookies. Who knows why but not one of them noticed.

The knock at the door came as a shock to all sitting in the room. No one had been summoned to meet with them, and no one could simply walk up to the cottage it was unplottable. Surely no new recruits would simply walk up to the front door and ask to join up so to speak. The scout knocked again this time louder and more impatient. The inhabitants of the cottage all fifteen tried to peak out the window at the same time. Being no fan of muggles Voldemort was not pleased to see the scout. Then he remembered something from his childhood, these brats where cookie pushers, they would sell to anyone no questions asked! Also they where a very organized group they had mottos, pledges, and an agenda. Yea he could get down with that! At one point after a night of sugar fueled madness he even thought about a badge system for his death eaters, with different colored robes for the levels of dedication and badges for different evil activities but thats an entirely different story.

The Dark Lord threw open the door and the the scout laughed "tee hee would you like to buy some cookies". First who knew Snape could titter and second how did the Dark Lord not see who this was, but no he was using Legillimancy to find out how much cash each of his followers had bought with them. "We'll take all of them, how much?" While the scout Snape figured the bill Draco said "Why not just obliviate her, or Avada her and take the cookies!" But the Dark Lord turned and said " Now now do not question my plans and fork open your wallet and give me the twenty quid" Draco did as he was told but then stormed out of the cottage yelling "this is whack I'm outtie" before apparating to the front gates of Hogwarts. Normally the Dark Lord would have sent someone after him but with all the brightly colored boxes of treats how could he deny his followers this simple joy. Cookies first killing Draco second.


	3. Chapter 3

This is a parody it is meant to be funny not everyone will be in character, actually many will not be themselves at all. I do not own Harry Potter or anything in the Potterverse I just had to take the characters out to play when they won't let me be! Also there will be references to Girl Scouts, I am not affiliated with the organization any more. I was a cookie pusher for six years but have dropped the habit!

_Chapter Three Snack Time_

The Death Eaters carried the boxes to the kitchen. Bella began making tea and Narcissa worried about matching cups and saucers. When all was prepared it was presented on a beautiful silver platter in the sitting room. Chit chat amongst the group was still light, what had Draco meant by "whack" where had that come from? Also how had the group had enough muggle money for the cookies. When the door was shut the scout did not leave but no one had bothered to pay attention to her. The scout had moved from the door and began to peer in the sitting room window. Wringing his hands and laughing maniacally in the garden was Brownie Scout Severus Snape. Only he knew his masters one true weakness, the thing that would bring him down and he was ready to watch.

Snape was tired of serving his master, he was always summoning him in the middle of the night to talk because he was lonely, or for a simple headache cure, or worse in the morning for a sober up potion. It was frustrating! Snape had papers to grade, detentions to over see and this was not in the Death Eaters sign up brochure. He expected death, dismemberment and dark magic, he did not plan to be his masters bff.

He plotted and schemed for months, he knew that if he used magic it would not work, too many people would recognize the spells he would use. He resorted to a more crude method. The one thing that would take down Voldemort once and for all: peanuts! Not many people knew the Dark Lord was deathly allergic but Severus did, he even made a potion in case of accidental ingestion to keep his master from anaphylaxis, but after the day he had today he was at the end of his rope. "Get me a head ache potion", "talk to me Wormtail is such a jerk", "I want a pony". He was done with the whiny person his master had become.

He knew that all the cookies he was carrying had peanut butter or as the boxes so clearly stated were made in a facility that processes nuts, he also knew that the idiot had used the last of his allergy potion after the last raid (kissing a girl who was eating a Resses Cup did he ever think!), and he knew no other Death Eater was smart enough save their master. So he bribed some girl in front of a grocers for her uniform and cookies. Few hundred bucks later and here he was playing peeping tom and sounding like a cartoon evil villain.

Inside the tray was getting passed around, evil ideas where once again flowing, and everyone was in a good mood. The cookies where surprisingly good for non-elf made food. Laughter could be heard for just a moment, and then screams of terror. Just as Snape predicted the Dark Lord had popped a peanut butter patty into his mouth. Voldemort was swelling and turning a wicked shade of purple. For a man with no lips it now looked like he had a horrible botox accident. Everyone was running around no one knew what to do, and outside Snape apparated away mid laugh.

**Authors Note**

Quick end note I have about 5 more chapters written but am unsure if you want me to continue, I know my sense of humor is not exactly...normal. I never claimed to be a normal person, in fact this story was inspired by lack of sleep and cold medicine at four in the morning after watching Sorcerer's Stone. If I get a few reviews that say I like it I will continue if not I will let it die alone and miserable here.


	4. Chapter 4

Quick Note: I still own nothing in the Potterverse. I am going to post this next chapter as I did get one review which I am very grateful for! I will also go back and take a look at my grammar I am sorry if it made the story hard to read. I have four more chapters outlined but as I don't know if anyone else is enjoying this I will hold off unless I get more reviews. I am very unsure of my writing and if I don't hear more I will let it go and work on another project. Please let me know even if you hate it tell me why, PLEASE!

Oh for this version there are no Horecruxes. They are not funny, the word however is great what better insult to hurl than "yo momma is a horecrux" Thanks JK best new word ever.

_Spreading the Good News_

With a pop Severus Snape apparated to the front gates of Hogwarts. A smile plastered across his face. He could not help himself he was so happy! He skipped up the walk enjoying the sun, birds and green grass for the first time in years. Still in the scout uniform he gave several first students a terrible fright. Upon reaching a group of Hufflepuff first years playing Gobstones he stopped and offered the loosing player advice. Then he patted her on the head and continued skipping and humming to anyone who could hear a tune that sounded like We are The Champions.

He took the steps two at a time as he climbed to Dumbledore's office. Not bothering to knock he burst into the room and in a very Shakespearean fashion climbed onto the shocked man's desk and proclaimed "I am victorious, bow before me the savior of the wizarding world." He than remembered that he was in a skirt hoped down and gave a little curtsey to Albus. "Lemon drop?" the headmaster offered to the man. He was sure his Potions Master had finally gone round the twist from stress. "No thanks old man. I have had enough sweet things today. Like a delicious helping of revenge. Are you not going to ask me how I did it?" Taking a moment Albus simply nodded. He stared intently and listened as Snape recounted the tale. He gathered a few pieces of vital information, someplace a girl scout was walking around in long black robes much richer than she should be and the most evil dark wizard of all times was killed by a peanut butter cookie.

After Mad Eye Moody and Kingsly Shakelbolt confirmed Severus' tale Albus could do nothing but wonder how he had not thought of it first. The headmaster called a staff meeting and shared the wonderful news with everyone. After the meeting Minerva walked up to Severus and told him "I am so proud of you, however it was very foolish to think you could wear a skirt. You simply do not have the legs for it." With that she walked away feeling truly jealous that he did in fact look better in the outfit than she ever could.

The ministry was working out a plan to capture the Death Eaters. A ceremony to award an Order of Merlin to Snape was planned. The only stipulation being that he may not wear the scout uniform at the ceremony. For the first time in many years Severus Snape could say life is good.

A school feast was called and all classes canceled for the rest of the day. Many simply enjoyed the celebration but if anyone had looked closer they would have seen many unhappy faces. This is exactly the scene that met none other than Rita Skeeter. As she walked into the Great Hall. This would be the article that she would be remembered for in the future. Quik Quotes Qwill in hand she began gathering notes.

**Next Chapter will be Rita's article if I get reviews. I know this one was short but I was unsure if I was going to continue. Please tell me what you think, it will keep me going. **


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Hey all I had a rough week so I hope this is funny, I am not in a funny mood. I started a Cultural Anthropology and just do not like it! I am a history and mass communications major, I can accept all cultures but hate writing a report about a culture that demeans women.

So I own nothing if I did I wouldn't be surviving on noodles and Oatmeal cream pies!

Anyway thanks to my reviewers give yourselves a **virtual hug** from me it made my week!

Chapter 5 Rita Skeeter's Article

The next day there was an exclusive article in the Daily Prophet. Rita Skeeter showed her face at Hogwarts within hours of Voldemort's demise. The inhabitants of the castle where celebrating, alcohol was flowing freely, and more than one common room was witness to hormonal teenage antics. Being the gossip she is Rita knew she would gather more than enough information for a weeks worth of articles. She flitted around the castle gathering quotes from anyone she could corner. The next morning this article was front page news.

_Hogwarts Potion Master Destroys Voldemort:_

_The Boy Who Lived is Distraught_

_by Rita Skeeter_

Today my reader's will go down in history. Tom Riddle also know by many in our world as Lord Voldemort has been destroyed. It seems that Severus Snape became tired of serving as a Death Eater. After years of service to Albus Dumbledore as a spy against Voldemort it was learned that the Dark Lord could be taken out through the use of a secret weapon. While details are not immediately available rumors suggest it was a sugary confection that was the downfall of Riddle.

Aurors arrived at a cottage being used as headquarters and rounded up Voldemort's followers. With the wizarding world entering a new age of peace I talked to several inhabitants of Hogwart's their interviews follow.

RS: _Professor Dumbledore how long have we known of this secret weapon?_

AD: I know of no weapon, would you like a lemon drop?

RS: _No thank you, so are you saying you had nothing to do with the fall of Tom Riddle?_

AD: I am afraid I cannot answer your question now, perhaps when you are older.

Upon being forced several lemon drops I moved my line of questioning to none other than Harry Potter. On first observation Mr. Potter was disturbed this is what he had to say.

RS: _Harry you must be elated that the man who murdered so many had been destroyed._

Hp: I can't believe it I always said Snape was evil but no one listened to me! Now he has taken away my chance at destiny. I was supposed to do it, he took that away from me. Why does no one want me to be happy. I can't believe it he's so mean.

RS: _So you are upset that Professor Snape did this for you and you will no longer have to be in danger?_

Hp: He's evil I tell you! He probably stole those cookies, he doesn't even look good in a skirt. I have the legs for it! I could have pulled the whole thing off. I would have been a better girl then Snape! I want to wear the skirt! Oh just leave me be.

After this disturbing conversation I moved on to interview Dobby the house elf. The elf is a reported friend of the Golden Trio.

RS: _Dobby how is the celebration amongst the elf population here at Hogwarts?_

Dobby: Oh I is happy, very happy that he is gone! Not all are happy though miss, the cookies! Oh it is shameful! They was not elf made.

RS: _So you believe that Voldemort was taken out by a cookie not a secret weapon?_

Dobby: Oh yes miss, and the cookies where made in a factory by muggles. We could have made them for the Professor they would have tasted so much better. He would not have to put on a dress for us we is not even wanting a please.

After this interview I went looking for the man of the hour, Severus Snape. However he was no place to be found within Hogwarts. Students reported that he has taken leave. The professor's location is still unknown at this time.

End Note: Next chapter we find out where Snape has disappeared to and Minerva cleans house in an unexpected way! Some of the things I was going to put in this article are getting moved to another chapter. Please read and review it makes my day!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Thanks all for the reviews and feedback. I am working on my grammar and try my best. I have finals next week so my muse has taken a stroll this chapter is not what I originally planned but I still like it. Actually my muse isn't gone it just wants to go play in a different field while I stand here yelling I am not done this story. Not listening he is skips off in flowers saying something about trying his hand at a cute family style story. I told him it's been done but that may be where I travel after this story. I have had some comments about my sense of humour and yes it tends to be a bit off but thanks to those who said they like me, they really like me! On with the feature presentation

Chapter 6:_ Minerva for Minister_

Rita Skeeter's article was all the buzz for a few days, but that could be because most of wizarding Britain was buzzed. People celebrating got down right careless. The Minister of Magic himself went streaking through the London theater district in his bowler hat and nothing else. Witnesses claim they heard him singing a very off key Nessun Dorma. By the time authorities got to him he was calling after a very pretty young woman insisting he was the Prime Minister. The hand print on his face made it clear she didn't believe his ramblings.

When people sobered they had two questions where was their hero? And should they replace the minister?

Minerva McGonagall answered both. Severus had left Minerva a nice note:

Dear Minnie

Glad I could be of help! Going to Disney World to celebrate with the mice, you can't come!

Bringing home lots of chotchkies and candy! Do you think Hagrid would like an Armadillo or Gator? I'll bring home both.

Lots of Love

XXX OOO

Sev

Of course Minerva only told the press he was on a much needed holiday and wished not to be disturbed. Pictures leaked to the press showed a very sunburned man enjoying something called Splash Mountain and hugging a giant yellow bear named Pooh.

The bigger problem was the need to replace the Minister. Many agreed it had to be done but for different reasons. Most thought his drunken display showed irresponsible behavior. Others thought that if Voldemort could have been ended so easily why did the ministry not do it themselves.

In a whirlwind of activity Professor McGonagall became Madame Prime Minister McGonagall.

Her first order of business surprised many. She turned the grand foyer of the Ministry into a replica Great Hall of Hogwarts. Instead of four tables their was one for each department. In place of food and dishes new quills and employee agreements. As all the employees turned into work the morning after her election she had them stand in a line as she gave a brief but firm welcome. She informed them that she was making changes starting today. She also informed them while working at the ministry their department would be like their family. Then she pulled an old stool and the Sorting Hat from behind her back. One by one she called the employees forward and gave them new assignments. The old Sorting Hat did a pretty good job and made very few mistakes, except placing old Mad Eye Moody as Head of the Department for Arts and Culture. As the last employee was seated she turned her focus to the new employee agreements.

Ministry of Magic Employee Agreement

All employees are equal, as a symbolic gesture everyone will have the same uniform.

Cats will be worshiped above all.

Anyone found not doing his or her job will have detention with Mr Filch

All people currently known as half breeds or afflicted with a magical illness will have the same rights as all witches and wizards.

Cats are to be given tuna and treats when they desire.

Anyone wishing for a day off or half day must give 48 hours notice

Severus Snape is our hero and most be addressed as such.

A few weeks later McGonagall was cleaning up the ministry when Severus popped into her office. Looking very tan and holding a stuffed Donald Duck. He told of his wonderful trip and gave Minerva a new key-chainn and explained that it was the "in thing" to do according to the pretty muggle shopkeep. He than went to Hogwarts and started to pack. He was going to go work for the Weasly twins at their joke shop. He stopped and gave Albus a few souvenirs. A tropical shirt and a basket of assorted muggle candy. Albus pleaded with Severus to stay. He could even have the Defense Against the Dark Arts job. Nothing could talk him into staying, he walked up in front of the entire student body gave a very heartfelt goodbye . He turned kissed Madame Pomfrey square on the lips and ran from the hall. On his way out he made one last stop he knocked on Hagrid's door and gave his parting gift a male and female alligator. Hargid was so pleased he pulled him into a tight hug. Severus told him to take care and walked to the exit with a smile on his face.

Afterthought: The next chapter will be the last. Any requests?


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Let me tell you that I am so pleased that people told me they liked this work. I have taken some very good advice and my next story will have a beta reader, now that I know what that is =). Also to my loyal reviewers duj & physics chick thank you a million times over for sticking with me! To all others who reviewed I appreciate it! And thank you to TheMozzyOne for the warm fuzzy message!

Chapter Seven: End Bits

Life had been going well for the Wizarding World checking in on our favorites here is a glimpse into how they are doing...

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are having a "normal" school year for a change. Back for their sixth year and with nothing more to disturb their studiesut Quidditch, that is until Hermione starts spending a lot of extra time with Draco Malfoy.

Minerva is doing a wonderful job as Minister of Magic. Her law making skills are a vast improvement over Fudge. She is working on equality laws for werewolves, even if they are not cats she will be fair.

The twins and Severus are enjoying life at their Diagon Ally shop. Severus has developed a potion that works like a muggle mood ring but for your eyes. Fred and George are both trying to hook him up with a different partner but they don't know about his on again off again thing with Verity.

Hagrid was enjoying the alligators, he had a few bites and scratches but was determined to let them stay in his house and not hibernate. It couldn't be worse than Norbert.

Albus was sitting in his office reflecting on how he used the people in his life. The old muggle phrase you catch more flies with honey came to him as he remembered the wonderful candy that Severus had given him. Digging through he found the last piece of salt water taffy. He unwrapped it and thought to himself it smelled absolutely wonderful, popped it into his mouth and something curious happened. One moment he was standing over his desk the next he was crawling around the floor. In his mind he believed he was a cow he began to moo and try to graze on the carpet. By time the staff came looking for him he could not respond to their calls he could just moo. Poppy couldn't figure out what was wrong with him, Flitwick new it wasn't a charm, and Minerva was busy at the ministry. They had Hagrid build him a nice pen and put him out to pasture.

Note

Thats it the end. Sorry duj I like Severus to much to make him Dumbledore's killer I think its better if he's just put out to pasture. So I have avoided writing my final dissertation for Anthropology for the last hour and wrote this instead I know this won't get me the grade I want but I hope you like it!


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